And, every year, the bodies which run these two events, Golf Australia and the PGA of Australia, highlight-bemoan-prosecute the big issues why we can’t tempt world class players, principally scheduling and money.

And they can make a case.

For following the great succubus that is the PGA Tour season ‘proper’ – a series that’s still going as we speak, wrap-around, it’s like painting the Harbour Bridge – this time of year is when the other ‘world tours’ – DP World Tour, Asian Tour, our lonesome little Australasian Tour – schedule events.

October and November is Miller Time for the ‘world golf’ circuit. And thus, two weeks before our ‘majors’ there are tournaments in Abu Dhabi and Dubai. In the same fortnight in which we play our Open and PGA, there are events in Qatar and Hong Kong.

As for appearance money, it appears there isn’t really much.

Last year’s star turn at Royal Queensland was Scotsman Robert McIntyre – who was so jet-lagged as to be rendered impotent – while a week later they trotted out the affable American club pro, Michael Blok, who made the cut and drew a few eyeballs to The Australian and The Lakes.

Of course, there will be some players who will never come to Australia, who won’t get out of bed for less than seven figures, certainly not to travel 18 hours first-class from Florida.

So forget those guys. Stuff ’em. 

And stuff giving other already mega-wealthy man-corporations more money. They don’t need it. If you’re worth $300 million don’t need to be worth $301 million.

Instead, let’s appeal to these golfers’ love of golf. Because, one assumes, they do love it, right? Let’s appeal to those rich people who covet experiences more than cash.

As Ian Baker-Finch said in April: “If the event is really good, they will come.

“Rory McIlroy has said to me, ‘Hey, Finchy, you make sure you tell me when we’re going to Kingston Heath, I’ll come down and play’.

“If you look at the players’ guides, a lot of them will say their favourite course in the world is Royal Melbourne or Kingston Heath or somewhere in the Sandbelt.”

Tiger Woods enjoyed his time at Kingston Heath in 2009. PHOTO: Getty Images

Tiger Woods declared that “the Sandbelt is my favourite place to play” when he came out to play the Australian Masters in 2009. (The $US3 million probably helped.)

Rory was going to play the Australian Open of 2020 at Kingston Heath before Covid stuffed things up.

Anyway. Prosecution rests: we don’t need to give rich people more money.

And we also don’t need to ‘Build it and they will come’. We’ve already built it. It’s here already. And it’s world class.

And it is Royal Melbourne.

So, let’s make that the lure. And spread about some other jewels of the world-famous Sandbelt.

Because here’s a fun, and borderline unbelievable, fact: the Australian Open hasn’t been played at Royal Melbourne since 1991.

The dual gender format of the Australian Open is a vexed argument for another column. But Royal Melbourne has 36 holes. You could play 18 holes East, 18 holes West, 18 holes Composite. 

And throw in 18 at Kingston Heath or Victoria. Or Metro Or Commonwealth. There’s a few good ones.

Get the world’s best men and women out here. And do it every year at Royal Melbourne, complemented by  one or two said Sandbelt gems.

Take the PGA Championship around the country – Sydney, Adelaide, Mildura!

Rory McIlroy won the 2013 Australian Open at Royal Sydney. If the 2025 one was at Royal Melbourne, he’d come down, right? PHOTO: Getty Images

But every year play our national championship on our nation’s best course.

And instead of appearance money, fly the bastards in business class, or pay for the fuel in their private jets. Put them up in the Packer Suite at the casino, host them and their kiddies on a sailing boat in the Whitsundays. Then sit back and count the ratings.

And then, lookin’ at you Big Chief James Sutherland, lobby, cajole, bribe, threaten the world powers of golf to do what Paul McGinley suggested.

“Why not make the winner of the Australian Open exempt to all four majors?” McGinley said. “Not just the Masters. You talk about growing the game, that would bring players, some of the best players in the world, to Australia knowing that a win would get them in all four majors.”

So – they get to play Royal Melbourne. They get flown around and housed in opulence. They get a week drinking Penfold’s Grange on a boat off Hamilton Island. And there’s a chance to play in all four majors the year after?

They don’t come after we’ve built that, they can tell their story walkin’.