In these days of 24-hour news cycles, reporting yesterday’s news is no longer an option. And, with Seven News inserting an astrology bulletin into Monday night’s coverage, even breaking news is now passe.

So, Mumbrella is jumping onto the bandwagon and bringing you news from the future with our new horoscopes section.

Seven News might have beaten us to the punch, but Dr Mumbo promises that our horoscopes look deeper into your future than even AstroTash can manage. Here’s your horoscope for today!

Aries: Today will be one of those days where you cannot work out what to do with your arms. ‘What do you usually do with your arms’, you’ll ask yourself. Being self-aware is one thing, but noticing your arms too much isn’t pleasant. Cross them.

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Taurus: You wore the wrong shoes today, and deep down you knew this even before you left the house, a realisation that will compound the usual fury inadequate footwear brings.

Gemini: You are going to be photographed today by a total stranger, and it will be the single best you will ever look in photographic form – yet, you’ll never know, nor see the photo.

Cancer: Today is the day you’ll finally throw out those Marie Kondo books that have been cluttering up your home.

Leo: See Scorpio.

Virgo: Have you ever noticed that the longest word you can type on the top row of a typewriter is ‘typewriter’. Nothing in your life is an accident. Proceed accordingly.

Libra: Today, you will notice connections between seemingly unrelated phenomenon that hadn’t previously revealed themselves to you. This is the first sign of a long-dormant mental illness.

Scorpio: See Leo.

Sagittarius: You will move through the universal today with a heightened sense of importance, entirely derived from your zodiac symbol being a cool half-man half-horse centaur, which you deem much better than a fish or a crab or something.

Capricorn: Beware of listening to podcasts that attempt to debunk the validity of astrology – you are feeling particularly closed-minded today, and such beliefs could stick. Also, you’ll meet your life partner today.

Aquarius: Today is a write-off for you. Go back to bed. Seriously.

Pisces: You will have the chorus to Stan by Eminem running through your head today, and believe it is because you streamed something on Stan this morning, or perhaps because of the packet of M&Ms you ate yesterday – but it’s just because Eminem has a new album out, and you are being marketed to in your sleep, now.

This column will continue regularly based on its predicted success.